A month along...

So....it's been a month since the twins passed.

In that time, we've started back into routines and attempted to regain some normalcy in our lives. While Alex was cleaning, scrapbooking and organizing - I was printing photos and trying to reign in the chaos that is my basement. Normal things in an abnormal situation. Our lives were peppered with an occasional respite - a phone call from a friend - priceless trips to the park with Greer - an evening away from home.

Alex is back to work now - and Greer is in part-time daycare. I'm looking for work and wondering what the next step is.

I visit the girls almost every day and enjoy my time maintaining the site - and occasionally placing a sprig of lilac on the grave. After the headstone is laid (probably within the next two weeks), we plan to dress things up. We are blessed to have that option - as the pioneer cemetery offers a great degree of customization of the sites. Interestingly, there are a great many East European immigrants buried at Pioneer Memorial as a result. Because it is an old cemetery, they can enjoy new large standing memorials - often, with a photo of the departed etched into the stone. The girls are buried across the road from a Russian family matriarch - who bears a funny resemblance to the caricatured housewives in Monty Python's Flying Circus. Alexis and I affectionately call her "Mrs. Gorilla" - and she watches over things while we are away.

I miss my girls.

I've been dreaming about my kids lately. Last night, I dreamed of Greer as a teenager - his face a combination of beauty and defiance. His hair, a shock of brilliant magenta. My punk rock son. The girls have become something else. Sometimes I see them as shining spirits who guide and defend others. Maybe it's a feeling rooted in what might have been. Perhaps its a glimpse of some other world that I wish existed.

All I know is that they are at peace.